Sex.
Three letters together that can mean something so primal, so instinctual. Despite being awake, and somewhat functional my mind lingers in the gutter and plays over not only the images of last night but the ones of this morning. Your warm hand down my pants, your fingers strumming against my clit, better than mechanical vibrations. your mouth so warm and wet and soft....
I want to sit you down on a chair, restrain you with my words as i kiss you tenderly, straddle your lap. all i can focus on is the feel of your skin on mine, the warmth that radiates from you and heats my flesh. sends my blood coursing through my veins rapidly, thumping in time with the throbbing i feel elsewhere.
im ravenous. i cannot get enough. at the same time my mind cant focus on this. i think i need a break...

L.
x

mood: dirty

Well Well Well....how odd to find myself back here again.
After such a long journey in which i come full circle. Im back at home....
Home. An interesting concept. Home is where the heart is perhaps? Or is it more than that? I feel like home now. now that my parents are away and i have spread myself throughout the house so that my life is not confined to a small room, and i can come and go as a please. Considering my son of course. I dont like to leave him for too long.
On a tangeant he has finally had something to eat and he has kept it down so im not feeling too bad about it now. I was very worried before, worried he was heading down the same road as Benny...

I have a nasty cough....my mind is rolling and flowing a million miles per hour and i am grasping at thoughts. Trying to pluck them from the recess of my mind in order to get them out on the page, let them pour through my fingertips....similar to how i used to wash my emotions down the drain.

Those nasty evil thoughts of my past, of sitting in the shower, blade poised, skin porcelin white and waiting, ready for the depth of my red blood to be released from underneath and flow quickly over my flesh and finally down the drain....but that coping mechanism is a thing of the past. It has been beyond months....and though the urge has come im so much more stronger than i used to me.

A close of mine, told me i look good recently. i appreciate that. i feel better in myself so it was nice to be told that it is being reflected on the outside. perhaps it is the person i have started seeing...its not quite like that....but still....someone who makes me feel like i am a girl...and not the boi that i felt like i was turning into. someone who makes me feel like its ok to be soft and vulnerable. There are still a lot of questions there.


Anyway, my tattoo is finished....now for the planning of the next. i know roughly what i want but i need it to be perfect before it goes onto my skin. i wonder if they can tattoo over scars. if so...thats just another tattoo to plan for. I think its slowly getting past my bedtime....this has been more of a vent than anything else but its nice to be back :)

Me.
x

mood: calm

its about time i got my ass back into some writing. so eloquent within my first line...the prose simply melting from my fingertips onto the keyboard. and since writing the second sentence ive been stuck for the better half of an hour. possibly longer. u know on second though. i dont want to write. i want to sit here and watch tv and miss two very important people. and i think i want to....well china...i want that career path u were heading down.

Thank you T for my introduction. bless me father for i have sinned. it has been a lifetime since my last confession and i fear the rest of my life shall be spent saying hail marys. ok the last bit is a bit of an exaggeration.
where am i at in my life? god only knows. pardon the pun. its 12:30 at night. i've had no sleep for about 3 days now. im so dredfully tired during the day and still i manage to stay awake. little things irk me. my job. im being picked on and its even noticed by other staff members so im not making it up. i dont want to go into it. i just hate my job and its the same as fucking nursing. i appreciate my living arrangements at the moment but im feeling suffocated. im not allowed to use the internet. i have to pay for foxtel which it wasnt even my decision to get and if it was, i would want better channels. i dont have a bed. i cant leave the dishes in the sink after a really bad fucking day. my friends work normal hours so i dont see anyone. im feeling isolated. terribly. so im trying to make up for it and killing myself in the process. i was sick with the flu for about a week and the dr gave me anti's for it. why? because im pushing myself too hard. i had a date. it caused mayhem among my friends. because of who she was and because i had a date. now she has a gf (who's not me) so that put an end to that and im a little sad. another friend professed her feelings, im so scared of commitment right now it may as well take the shape of a human sized, hairy spider. and yet im so empty and so lonely. i crave those intimate little moments. the ones where you have the bad dream and you wake up to find arms wrapped lovingly around you. one friend told me she wanted us to hook up. sounds good. until she fucks me around again. im so tired. tired of the games. tired of my stuff not being with me, of my boys being so far away and so sick and i cant help and i need to stop because im going to break down into tears and i cant do that. im at my parents. its mothers day tomorrow. well today technically. does anyone know how to make the world disappear? just for a moment. make things easy for a little while? just a little while?

my central locking is an electrical fault and i need to book in to get it fixed. it may cost up to $400. i cant afford that so it has to wait. everything has to wait. im tired of waiting. bed time for this lonely insomniac.

so im more broken than i originally thought. i dont even know where to begin to pick up these pieces. there are too many shards and slivers and i just end up cutting myself. it hurts. like it was yesterday. and i feel empty. and have for a long time. i didnt know this was possible. i want to crawl under a rock and not come out till its safe. i dont know when that will be.

L.
x

do i dare post? with the truth that is or do i ramble along with the insignificant?
it is tempting of course not to say anything at all but if that were what i really wanted then i wouldnt be sitting here after working up the courage to ask my housemate if i can use the computer only to not post anything.
so shall i start with the rawest thing first? the most shameful?
i started cutting again last night. pressed and prodded by a dear friend who in the same evening managed to emasculate me. a desire to slice in dangerous places over came me last night, stopped only by the friend who lay next to me, questioning me, trying to get inside my head and it was then and many times since and before that i wished i knew sign language so i could still talk as asked but then it wouldnt be my fault if u didnt understand me. merely, miscommunication. so i cut. not deeply. not completely. not wanting my ritual, my shame to be broadcast before the eyes of another. the deal was made for the blades though and so must be kept. but whats good for one is good for the other and my fellow partner in crime now cuts without me, making a lovely mess of herself....
bygones.
i work in a sex store. can i just say this does not make me a sex worker. i dont get paid for sex. i sell pleasure. if u let me. when you dont let me you make the wrong choices. thats why you come back dissatisfied. i can work to your budget. i work fucking hard. im getting in trouble at work. due to a particular ex gf who tells me as a friend i treat her as a punching bag. im sorry. i told you i wanted to bleed to within an inch of my life and you tell me "i feel for you" i think i was justified in my ever so eloquent response of "fuck you".
i live with a lesbian couple now. they are lovely. i appreciate their generosity and all they do for me. i am still looking for my own place though. i need space. a kitchen to cook in at 1am when i get home from my late shift. little things u know. privacy. im a private person. i need a laptop. need money. so i need my job.
i will not get fired if my ex continues to bother me at work. she will be removed from the premises.
i have made many mistakes. things i havent dealt with that have built up. but im trying to learn.
got my car back. the central locking now doesnt work and one door wont open at all. i need to book it in for a service. my little husband no more has offered to fix it for me. i really appreciate that. i miss her and love her and im glad she's so happy. all my blessings baby.
i think it might be time for me to head off to bed. all early starts this week.
sweet dreams

night night
L.
x

mood: awake

yay me. i got the job. start monday.

i went for an interview today. at sexy land. i hope to hell i get it. suddenly im anti swearing but oh well. my parents couldnt wish for anything worse than me getting a job at sexyland apparently. im a nurse damn it! lol too bad i hate it. fuck that im good at it. im good at sex too apparently. and now i want to sell it. big deal. i find out on friday. tonight, we celebrate.

L.
x

mood: hopeful

i kinda want to post and i kinda dont.
i want to write about my family and i dont. im stunned. speechless. confused. did u see the news? why do i feel so weird? i dont mean to be. i dunno. im so much of i dunno. wanna be held and want my space. want want want. hurts. scares me. so bad. talk to me. dont expect a response. let my silence be enough and just know. thanx.

L.
x

location: here...wherever that may be mood: confused

Im watching, half watching the cashemere mafia. the premier on channel 9 and im somewhat enthralled and somewhat bored shitless. they just hired a nanny. maybe i should look into that as a career and i might actually get somewhere as opposed to just sitting here looking for a new job and getting nowhere. ok so perhaps im just pissed off. i dont know what i am. i just feel so jumbled right now i dont feel anything. well more to the point i feel so much. im frustrated. i think thats the main emotion right now. i need a job. the pressure is so intense to find one and it seems that no matter what i do i get nowhere. i've applied for every single fulltime position on the internet for nursing, some call centre jobs, even something for australia post and sexyland. the latter however i could actually really get into and i would thoroughly enjoy that job and i feel almost that because i want it so bad that i wont actually get it. anyone else get the impression that that dreaded darkness is just creeping in on my edges? im trying really hard to keep it at bay, too not let it show and that in itself is taking so much effort. im stressed to the max looking for this job, whatever it may be. i cant stand being a nurse anymore. the very thought of it makes me sick. i went to work on monday and it got to the point where i found myself on my own on the 10th floor in a beautiful room with a beautiful view and cried. i wanted to leave. felt claustrophobic, couldnt breath and would have been anywhere else, doing anything else at that point in time. i wanted to be 5 years old again, lack of responsibility, no loans, no repayments, no rent, no anything just wondering what your going to have for dinner that night and who your going to play with in the playground tomorrow if its a school day or hoping that your favorite cartoon is on on saturday disney.

ok so its not just the job or lack there of. then there is the associated lack of money. i feel like shit. i cant pay for anything. i cant take my girl out. im back at square one and i dont know how to get out ofit and of course i cant without a job and i cant keep asking my parents for money and i dont want to. its degrading. i dont get paid from the last lot of clinical placement until the end of the month so i dont know what to do until then. there isnt much i can do really. nothing that i want to be doing. i need a place to live. i need to get out of here. i appreciate it so much. more than words can express. but living with my girlfriends parents is killing me. i dont feel comfortable. i havent been well lately, i have been quite sick. pushing myself harder and harder and this week i crashed. i like being a private person. here you cant really be private sdo i try and keep to myself in A's room and we're quite happy in there although apparently we;re being anti-social but then again what else can i do> i dont feel comfortable. i dont feel like i can go into the kitchen at anytime and cook up a storm, i dont even know where anything is, i cant go food shopping because i have no money so i cant cook up some old favorites and i appreciate having my meals cooked for me sometimes but then again, because ive been sick i dont feel like eating anyway. i dont feel like much at all. i feel like familiar and i dont have that. i feel like a feline cuddle and my children are so far away with their other mother and their new step mother and that eats at me so bad. shouldnt but it does because nothing i had in my life is anywhere near me. i have two pairs of clothes and thats all. so i dont even feel like i can turn on the computer, or do washing whenever i feel like it. i have to make sure i shut the cupboards properly, i have to remember to put the toilet lid down and close the door. everything i do warrants a talk, a direction and i dont think i can handle much more of it. did i mention that i appreciate it because i do.i just feel like a fish out of water and im craving a drink.

shall i continue? i may as well. this is my venting session. my need to get it all out so that i can get back to what i really enjoy for i have been writing. in this beautifully leather bound book that my darling gave me to help inspire me in my craft because she believes i have talent. im tired of being the bad guy. the one that sits back and holds her tongue, that gets talked about in a roundabout kind of way. when my gf's best friend is my ex housemate and i am the shit on the bottom of the ocean. when its my fault that my gf doesnt stay with her gf and im the reason we're stuck at home. when im pissed off that she cant even act like a friend, call A when they are in close proximity and try to make A feel like shit and continue to do so no matter how many talks etc that we have with her, or A has with her and you know what: CAN YOU JUST FUCK OFF YOU'RE NOT A FRIENDS ASSHOLE!
i know thats not my place to say it...i know its just my little judgement. my one second judgement when i feel discriminated against and i cant defend myself...when i watch my girl hurt because she puts in everything and hardly gets half back.

so im taking control, taking my health in my own hands so fuck you. im not doing that to myself. and its no judgement on if u want to do that to yourself. im not that kind of a matyr. im tired. i feel more than this. so much more. and its all tucked away so deeply....A i let it out with you. i adore you. even if i do whisper all my sweet nothings to you when you are so deeply asleep. sleep well my baby. i hope everything falls into place for you, for a wish for nothing more. u have all of my support, always.


L.
xx

location: Comp desk mood: frustrated

My My My,

has it not been a long time since i have posted or does my mind decieve me? what can i say. a lot has been going on resulting in the fact that i no longer have the internet and that the people of facebook despite me telling them so have completely ignored this and continue to bombard me with applications and the like. i used to think i was addicted to facebook. until i went away. until i lay with my back on solid earth and looked up into a clear night sky and froze silently on my own and realised that there was so much more, even on my own, than to have facebook and a thousand friends. i know i should have realised this a long time ago but i feel the weight lift from my shoulders as i acknowledge it and breathe deeply for the first time in a long time, expelling the dust from my lungs. i realised, in the short time between when i broke up with rosie and found someone who truely looks into my soul that i am capable of being happy and not only with someone else but on my own. that my own company, peace and quiet is greatly valued by my ego and my id. so...all this has happened. all this self discovery (and this was happening when i last posted) and so much more. the finding of someone truely spectacular with a fresh look on life who is still capable of having those quiet down days, finding myself outdoors and longing for it when im cooped up inside an operating suite, finding myself without reliable work, without a pay check, without a home and a car and feeling so lost and yet still managing to look on the bright side of life. that is truely amazing, especially when i came to the conclusion that in order to continue writing my dark and dreary, heart breaking work i need not be feeling it but to be able to draw on those feelings of the past without getting sucked back into them and use them to my advantage. perhaps i am rambling.

on another note i went to pride yesterday. it was a reasonably nice day out. caught up with a few friends that i wanted to see and some people that are more cowardly than i first thought that i didnt particularly want to see at all.

i will continue these thoughts later but for now, my woman is waiting for me at the train station and i need to pick her up and pour my heart out.

caio caio

L.
x

omg im so girly today...a floral dress with a lightweight white long jacket, and red shoes!!
omg...i think i am freaking myself out and need to change.
or do make up....i dont know which urge is stronger lol

i just dont know.
period. and its not about what some people might think it is. maybe i am just confused. its possible. i got my jab yesterday. arm is slightly sore. im hungry. basic needs. night night

dont you just love creative people? no not really, they make me sick. im just kidding. im in a very weird mood. im sitting on the couch watching santa claus 2 getting freaked out by some blonde woman singing a christmas version of shania twains i feel like a woman. its cold. im frustrated and above all else im bored. i had a great self esteem boosting weekend. (please not sarcasm here) im sick of people who cant keep their mouth shut, who insist on being false and think its perfectly ok and no adverse effects will come from their actions. im sick of being told how i feel when no one has a fucking clue, especially random strangers that see me out. i honestly dont need ur insight into my inner being coz im quite sure that talking to me while staring at my tits is not going to give u a bigger insight into what is me than what i know about myself. i dont care if this doesnt make sense. believe it or not, im not a heartless bitch. i am very acutely aware that i broke up with my gf. i still live with her. do u really think that within a month i am wanting to jump into a full on steady relationship. i am not that kind of person and im certainly not that kind of lesbian. as for titles and labels you can shove them up your arse. maybe im not a lesbian. right now im feeling very asexual. im sick of sex being shoved in my face, including the statement that if i cant pick up here, i cant pick up anywhere. its a tie for first place for bad moments considering another was im ready to go home. never mind the fact u abandoned me on my own in a club i dont know, but u are unwilling to walk me back to my car, despite u didnt tell me u werent even going to be coming home with me until we were on the way and i was parked in a very dodgy part of town. coz when i say im tired, im bored and im uncomfortable in this situation clearly isnt true because again, i dont know me at all. i dont know what is good for me or what i want and i certainly didnt know i wasnt tired at 12:30....i didnt know that by making me stay an extra hour that i wouldnt then reach home till nearly 3am and be so tired my eyelids were closing as i was driving and nearly on many ocassions came close to running off the road. i am sleep deprived. i am sick of people throwing the word friendship around and maybe those people should look that word up in the dictionary.....oh wait...do u even know what one of those is? T and R, this isnt you ok? more than anything friendship is important so a question previous asked, friendship. always friendship. but then if whats displayed is what counts as friendship then keep it ok?

so i was pushed into the festive season. forgive me for not feeling so festive. i need to work. i need there to not be any public holidays, no breaks because i need to get some shifts. i need money. i have a job interview tomorrow, i have a house to clean, pets to feed, too many things to do, no money for the presents i would love to buy so now i have a christmas tree, all decorated...and i get that familiar horrible sickening pull in my stomach...the one i used to get around my brother at this time of christmas and i get it with you R...its not a bad thing...please dont think it is....maybe its one of those 7 deadly sins. Envy. i love you very much. be good to you ok?

fuck this. i know its early but i need to go to bed.
night night.

L.
x

mood: tired

i pierced my nipples again today.
they have bleed more than last time i had them done...its been 5 hours and one is still flowing pretty steadily....if it keeps up any longer i might get worried. im not pale or dizzy...just feel a little sick in the belly...i dont know why that is thoough. oh well, thats all for now...i might have a little nap.

L
x.

mood: sick

so much has been going on.
someone i thought was my best friend decided that even though i hardly text her, maybe once a month to say i miss her, we should catch up, i am needy and naggy and that if i cant understand she is busy then its my problem. not seeing each other in over 4 months...i thought u kept ur friends close...because if ur too busy for ur friends, then when u stop being busy...they wont be there. but that fell on deaf ears. i hate everything right now. can u all fuck off and leave me alone? and stop fucking playing games. im over it. im over everything. my work is shit, i dont go to work to be paid out and stressed and yelled at and i certainly dont fucking go to the hairdresser to be yelled at so go ahead, i dont think anyone else can make me feel anymore like a child or anymore useless than i already feel. and this fucking battery on this fucking computer is going to die again, and im sick of this shit and i want to throw it through the fucking window.

goodnight.

mood: claustrophobic

I had a weird, action packed dream last night. I was like a counsellor or something...maybe more along the lines of clinical teacher and i was talking individually to the people i was looking after. there was an outbreak or something...i dont fully remember....everytime i went looking for someone to pull into the office someone just turned up....and the third time i was driving away but i was the passenger and who should pull in front of us but Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. so we reversed and brad went inside with the driver. ang was standing on the verandah and i said to her "u dont remember me do u?" i told her i had been with her on a movie she had done a long time ago. i started walking up the stairs saying i couldnt remember the name and then someone yelled it out and i said yes thats it and looked up at her and said i know u from...her eyes widened and she lunged at me from the verandah, knocking me to the floor and as we fell, she grabbed a screwdriver and tried to stab me with it. i knocked the screwdriver out of her hand and we started wrestling. then somehow we were in a bathroom and she tried to electrocute me in the bath with a hairdryer and apparently because we were both in the water it was ineffective so i pulled it out and threw it away...she grabbed me again and as i fell i grabbed the screwdriver and stabbed her in the left arm. but before she could bleed i had to turn a black dial in her arm and then her blood started to drip into the bathwater. then everything changed and they were talking about how there had been an issue with the cars and some of the students would have to go by bus. the end. im fucking exhausted.

On a different note i went and saw Kate last night, i was embarrassed to be seen with some people and it was a nice catch up with others. Kate was amazing and im so glad i saw her. in a different tangeant, im angry beyond belief...its eating away at me and i want to be on my own. leave me the fuck alone and stop talking! I fucking get it! thankyou.

L.
x

location: in the lounge, where else. mood: tired, exhausted, bored,

i wrote a nice long journal entry the other day, a few minor details...a few little things going on in my life and i think LJ has been a bit weird lately. i dunno. too much going on in my head. just go with the flow.

L.
x

yes i made the right decision. im not doubting that but it doesnt mean i dont hurt. doesnt mean i dont feel empty or feel lonely now. i got offered a new job, still have to apply and im hoping i will get it. its been a long placement this time...and my dream job...and i have run myself into the ground and i am so tired. and yes i want to bleed. so what? take it up with management.

mood: lonely